So instead of coming out and telling people I was uncomfortable, I just overcompensated. I joined a few sports teams because my parents told me too. I do extreme stuff that only REAL MEN did. I went hunting, I played games, I got good with computers. Manly Men Things. But again, in the end these things made me hate myself.
It all culminated to a suicidal idealization a week before I turned 25. I had spent the better part of 2 years from my 23rd birthday in trying to find a doctor in town that would help me. I found none. No one in this town would lift a finger to help me. When I tried discussing my issues with the people who were supposed to be my health care professionals they forwarded me the Asylums. Mental Health Clinics that wanted me to sign over my rights to them. That isn't what I asked for, thanks for all the help.
So the week before I turned 25, after getting home, after having one last day out with my ex, I'd probably never see her again. I went to my bathroom. Cleaned myself, washed every inch of me. Got dressed in my nicest clothes. Wrote a letter apologizing for being a failure, for being a freak, for have no sense of control. And I apologized to myself. I folded the letter up, put it in the pocket of my shirt. I picked my rifle up, single loaded one round into the chamber, closed the chamber and held the rifle in my hands.
I thought about it again. I probably sat there for an hour, stewing, not knowing if I could actually do this. I laid down, I put the barrel into mouth, Put my finger on the safety to turn it off...
And my phone rang.
I pulled it out from where I put it, checked the message, It was my friend Angie. We talked. I don't even remember what about. But afterwards, I went online and checked some sites. I sent some messages to people in Jacksonville. And I met Erin.
God, I don't know why you joke with me so much. She had to be a red head. I love and loath red heads. I do not know why. They enter my life, teach me something about myself, then flitter away like nothing happened, but I'm changed forever.
Erin changed me forever.
Erin was lovely, a few years younger then me, very shy, very quiet. Cute as a button. Lovely.
I fell in love with her almost instantly. I still love her deeply.
She is trans, she had been transitioning since high school. She was active in a few social circles online that supported trans people. I told her I had been having issues with my Gender. She smiled and told me everything would be ok. She slowly walked me through the dangers of self medicating. But the benefits as well, and I thank her so much for the patience she had with me.
A few days later, My birthday, I started taking Estrogen (Estrace) and Anti-Androgens (Spironolactone). Within a week, the suicidal thoughts were gone. Withing two weeks the anger and hatred I had for the whole world was gone. Within a month I was losing weight, something I hadn't done in years. By the time Christmas came around, it was 6 months and I was getting ma'amed in public, even when in guy mode.
I had breast growth, I had emotional highs and lows, I was falling in love constantly. I was going through a second puberty. This time, it wasn't hell. It was paradise.
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