Start of something new, get to know me better.

Ahhhh, a Blog.

I never thought I'd get so interested in actually running one, but I figured it was time.

I may not update this thing very often, but I promise you I will try. I guess I should just start off by explaining who I am.

I'm Maxine Jessica Payne. I'm currently identified as Genderqueer. I was born male in '86, and have been confused and uncomfortable with myself my whole life. When I was about Five years old, I had a sudden thought. Why was I born a boy? I didn't know, I didn't understand that it wasn't anything I had a choice in. I had a loving family, my mother and father were both present for the majority of my childhood. I was happy being rambunctious at school and quiet at home, but that didn't mean I was comfortable. I had no way to explain how I felt to my parents, I didn't have a vocabulary strong enough to tell them how I really felt. I didn't know what I was...

The truth hit me when I turned 13, I started going through puberty. Male Puberty. Something I like to call HELL. For those who have gone puberty they know it was a strange time. Growing up, clothes constantly changing size, your favorite shirt no longer fitting because your arms and head are suddenly too big. Yet you swear you were just wearing it last week. Things started happening with me, things I didn't understand. The worst of which was the sudden separation of my parents, just as I started going through this major change in my life.

For the longest time, I was the largest kid in my class. I was 5'11, everyone else in my classes at the time was under 5'0, some even shorter. I was called freak, fat ass, lard, giant, and many other negative names. Then in a sudden rage, I snapped on one of my own tormentors and they were suddenly no longer able to cope with just how imposing a giant I really was. I had been asleep up till that point, they definitely felt it when I woke up. Lucky for me, one fight was enough. Rumors spread. I might be big, but I'm not weak.

Suddenly, I also started making friends, female friends. Lots of female friends. I never questioned it, I still don't, but all through elementary, middle, and highschool the majority of my friends were female. Of all the kids I remember from my times at school, I remember the names of the females that were in my life. I may not remember their full names, but their first names at least are burned permanently into my brain.

Amber, Brianna, Krysta, Siobhan, Laren, Ashley, Angelica, Claire, Cara, Violet, Katherine, Katt, Diana,

Even if you guys do not remember me. I remember you. Out of everyone in that list, only Brianna, Krysta, Angelica, and Claire know the real me. They are the ones who all know I'm Transgender.

But I love every single one of them for being in my life.

Those female friends I had, made me feel welcomed, loved, and important. I enjoyed spending my time with them. But in the end it made me hate myself as I'd get so depressed seeing them grow up and knowing I'd never be able to live like they do. In school I was one of them, but in reality I was still a boy. And I hated myself for it.