So, When are you going to start dressing like a girl?

Dear mother of god, I hate this phrase.
Doesn't help that now even my mother says it.

I feel like a girl, I've got hormones like a girl, I identify and socialize as a girl. Why does what I wear matter?


(Flashback)

So on Wednesday, I received a letter from my Endocrinologist. The contents of the letter are an attempt to help me get my gender marker changed.

"To whom it may concern.
We've been treating (Legal Name) for Gender Identity Disorder with Hormone Therapy. She should be considered from here on out, Biochemically Female."

Yeah, it is a stretch, that biochemically word. But hopefully the people it matters to have a letter from a doctor will accept it.

I no longer function as male, and I get gendered as female 90% of the time. Even by the people who've known me as female.

I came home and shared this letter with my mother. She just frowned and looked up at me with doe eyes. "So when are you going to start dressing like a girl?"

I just stared at her. At the time I was wearing Pajama Pants and a three sizes too big T-shirt.

My prefered attire is womens jeans and a decent printed T, with a buttonup worn unbuttoned overtop. I have no qualms about it. I'm a DYKE. I always will be. My goal was never to be super femme like a Drag queen, or even subtlefemme like some of my other transisters.

I'll never get rid of my desires for video games, guns, heavy metal, comics, and other geeky computer stuff. I'll also never find a love of flimsy sun dresses. I just do not look good in a dress. I accepted that a long time ago.

But for some people when you are trans and say "I'm a woman" they judge you harsher then they would a Assigned Female at Birth woman.

Most of the time people ignore if a woman is more butch or femme in their attire and appearance if they are cisgender and attractive.

But a slightly unattractive transwoman. If you are not trying to be Femme they try and negate your experiences of being transgender, of feeling like a woman.

Grrr I wont be wearing dressing soon Mom.

My Vagrant Heart... My Vagrant Story

My heart is a Vagrant it seems.

I have a lot of trouble keeping it in one place. I have even more trouble keeping it from latching on to others.
I love everyone. I'll say it that way I guess. It is hard for me not too. I see way too much beauty in the world to bother with thinking people I've never met are worthless. It takes a lot of heartache on my side to get emotionally detached from someone, and usually deals with them hurting me in some way.

I think that is why its so easy for me to fall in love, and so hard for me to stay. I'll probably never find someone my heart could stay with for a long amount of time. Though I keep looking, because that is what I want.

I want someone to love, someone to care for, someone to grow old with and die happy with. I want to cry with them, laugh, smile, cuddle, love with them. I guess everything any normal human would want. But I still have trouble. I'm shy, I'm too afraid I scare people, that they'll only see me at my genitals and not for who I am inside. They'll see the hormone ravaged sack of flesh that is my body and disapprove.

But back to my heart and its vagrancy. It seems like every week it finds someone new to pine after, someone new that sparks it to life and makes it beat with a renewed vigor. And every time it simply ends up disappointed, the other being already in a relationship, enjoying being single, only looking for sex, or some other speil that would prevent me from getting the things I need out of any type of relationship.

I'm also having people who I used to love try and regain a bit of a place in my life and I appreciate most of them, though others I'd rather not talk to. My heart craves the touch of those few friends I've really missed the last 7 to 10 years too.

I guess I'll end on this.
Love You.

Moving Right Along

Wednesday, I had my second endocrinologist appointment down in gainesville. I had started seeing her a month ago when I was at 8 Months of Self Medicating. I'm now at rolling up on 10 months. She Informed me that all my bloodwork came back clean and that everything about it was in positive good ranges and levels. But my sex hormone panels had not been returned yet.

I had to wait a few days for them to come in they said, Well they came in today, less then 24 hours after my appointment. My Endo called and informed me that I have been found to have Normal Female Ranges for my hormone Panel. And was given the go ahead to continue treatment as she prescribed.

I was also given another bit of good news. She will happily write and sign a letter stating that I was her patient, and that after treatment and study I should be considered legally Female.

This is such great news. It means that I will be able to get my gender marker change, as well as my name change. With those done, I can start calming down and living my life like a normal human being again.

I am so excited.

Congrats Mass. Boo Anchorage.

The state of Massachusetts signed a Transgender Equal Rights Law into effect today. I am so proud of my sisters and brothers up north getting this awesome piece of legislation signed. A lot of other states may soon follow.

http://boston.com/community/blogs/on_liberty/2012/01/celebrating_fair_play_and_equa.html?rss_id=Most+Popular


Sadly those of you in Anchorage will not be getting equal rights, as the equality and discrimination bill that was up for vote there was shot down. I blame the TV ads that depicted a trans woman as a big burly man with a full beard wearing a dress. I feel sorry for you guys, but I wish you luck in the future.

Repressed Memories of Non-conforming Outbursts, and why I never told my therapists I felt Wrong.

I'm crying as I write this. These memories that flood back into my head. From days gone by, long ago forgotten as if they were dead.

When I was younger, there were lots of minor events that I may have completely forgotten. Lately those memories have been bubbling back to the surface, screaming for me to tell my story.


When I was young I was physically discouraged by my Father in acting on any of the urges I had bubbling up inside of me. Now that I've come out to him, he acts like these actions I did never happened and negated that I ever acted "trans."


When I was extremely young, probably around 3 or 4, I would love to jump into my mothers heels if left out in the public area of the house and squeal as loud as I could. "I'm mommy now!" then proceed to dance and prance around the house as fast as I could laughing as the shoes clack clacked on the tile. This seemed relatively harmless to my parents at the time, but I think it signaled and gave warning to a possible future that neither really anticipated. One day while performing this ritual of mine, my dad stopped me, told me I was to old to do that and lift me out of them and take them back to hide in their room. After that I never saw my moms heels laying out around the house anymore.

When I was 5 or 6, I would start refusing to wear underwear or pants, wearing my long PJ shirts around the house unless I felt sick. My mother would reprimand me and ask me why I wasn't wearing pants. But I couldn't respond as to why. I still didn't understand what it meant. I didn't understand why the tighty whities my parents bought me felt wrong. Then, one day, my mom accidentally mixed a pair of her white silk undies in with my own laundry. I had never felt silk before. It was a strange sensation, It was comfy, soft, it was shaped like my underwear, I didn't know what they were, so I pulled them on. They fit me perfectly and suddenly I realized... I felt comfortable. When it was found out that I was wearing a pair of her underwear I was yelled at and they were taken from me, and I was bought a set of boxers with bright colors so they wouldn't get confused with girls underwear anymore...

Around that same time I started hanging out with my neighbors kid a lot, She was awesome, she had a Sega Genesis and lots of barbies. When we'd go over to her house my brother would end up on her Sega while me and her played with her barbies. When I'd get home, I'd some times sneak into my sisters stuff which we had at the house that was loads of barbies and I'd play with it there. One day my dad found me playing with my friend and her barbies and smacked my head. "Barbies are for girls, come on lets go home." I never asked for a barbie that Christmas, though I really wanted one...

Later when I started attending 3rd grade, after moving from the north side of town to the south side of town, I had a teacher who was loud, eccentric, and to be honest, quite awesome. Every now and then, when we were at recess, or having a quite period after lunch, she would be painting her fingernails and sometimes even her toenails. I would come up and ask her why she painted her nails, she said it made her feel pretty. I blushed and would ask "Can you paint my nails too?" and would giggle when she'd smile and paint my nails for me. When I'd get home, my Dad would be furious. And would insist on holding me down and taking a scour brush to my fingernails with paint thinner. This was probably one of the most humiliating things I ever had done to me, I cried while he did it, then hid in my room afterwards. I think this was the first time I actually hid behind my bed and pulled the top mattress back so it covered me in darkness.

 Later in my elementary school days we went to the mall for a field trip. While there I made a stop at piercing pagoda and a few of the jewelry stores with the girls I was friends with, My entire schooling history I had more female friends then male friends. When I told one of them I was jealous because they were allowed to have their ears pierced and I wasn't one of them dropped a small packet in my hand. It was magnetic earrings. Just studs, but magnetic non the less. I bought them instantly.

I put them on and went and stared at myself in the mirror for the longest time. Not understanding the feelings I had. Or why I felt so comfortable and awesome. I went home with them still on, After having them on for over 5 hours, I had gotten used to the feel of them in my ears and had forgotten they were in when my dad came home. It didn't take long till he saw and noticed them, his face instantly turning red as he rushed me. Screaming obscenities about how dare I get my ears pierced, I tried to tell him they were not pierced but before I could he reached up and grabbed my ears yanking as hard as he could. When the magnetic jewelry collapsed in his hands and he realized he hadn't just torn metal from my flesh and I was unharmed he got angrier and grabbed me and started beating me. I cried. not because he beat me, but because he threw away my earrings.

A few different times in my childhood movies and TV shows influenced my life because of elements that displayed Magic and the ability of someone who wasn't something to magically turn into the thing they wished they were. Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, and a few others, really hit home with me. But the one TV show that really impacted me was Sailor Moon. This girl had a magic wand that TURNED HER INTO A PRINCESS THAT PROTECTED HER LOVED ONES!... I don't know why I decided that needed all caps but I did. I so wanted to be Sailor Moon.

I was Obsessed! And this was before I knew what Anime was. I didn't know Sailor Moon was a Japanese show converted over for Americans, I loved it.

I loved it so much that I would watch it any time it was on TV. I'd set up the VCR (Heh, remember those things?) to record it for me every day in case I missed it, and even if I didn't miss it I'd re-watch the episode I recorded just to enjoy it again.

My father, did not like this. He would yell at me that it was a girls show, that I should watch Teenage mutant ninja turtles. Which I did like, but I liked it more for the positive role model I felt I got out of April O'neil. He would steal the blank tapes and hide them, destroying any that already been used to record.

Eventually he started to even mock my interest in the show, one Christmas assigning presents I received as having come from "Sailor Moon" only to open them to find complete and utter junk I didn't and would never want. Lot of it being just shitty clothes with "Positive male role models" or some other shit all over it. After I had finished opening all my presents that year, I pretty much said "Fuck Christmas" and stopped caring about what I got, if I got anything at all. That was probably the last Christmas I would have ever called the Traditional Family Christmas, as soon after my parents started their steps towards separation.

The entire time I went through these events, I was also randomly being dropped into psychologists offices. But because of how my father treated these types of outbursts, I was scared of telling the psychologists that I felt wrong, that I didn't feel like a guy. That I never felt "normal". And as a result they constantly dumped Diagnosis of Depression, ADD Compounded by Depression, General Anxiety and a few others.


A lot of these I didn't remember till recently, some I didn't know about at all. I'm just glad I got it over with and started my transition. I feel so much more comfortable now then I ever did trying to hide and accidentally letting things slip.