So, When are you going to start dressing like a girl?

Dear mother of god, I hate this phrase.
Doesn't help that now even my mother says it.

I feel like a girl, I've got hormones like a girl, I identify and socialize as a girl. Why does what I wear matter?


(Flashback)

So on Wednesday, I received a letter from my Endocrinologist. The contents of the letter are an attempt to help me get my gender marker changed.

"To whom it may concern.
We've been treating (Legal Name) for Gender Identity Disorder with Hormone Therapy. She should be considered from here on out, Biochemically Female."

Yeah, it is a stretch, that biochemically word. But hopefully the people it matters to have a letter from a doctor will accept it.

I no longer function as male, and I get gendered as female 90% of the time. Even by the people who've known me as female.

I came home and shared this letter with my mother. She just frowned and looked up at me with doe eyes. "So when are you going to start dressing like a girl?"

I just stared at her. At the time I was wearing Pajama Pants and a three sizes too big T-shirt.

My prefered attire is womens jeans and a decent printed T, with a buttonup worn unbuttoned overtop. I have no qualms about it. I'm a DYKE. I always will be. My goal was never to be super femme like a Drag queen, or even subtlefemme like some of my other transisters.

I'll never get rid of my desires for video games, guns, heavy metal, comics, and other geeky computer stuff. I'll also never find a love of flimsy sun dresses. I just do not look good in a dress. I accepted that a long time ago.

But for some people when you are trans and say "I'm a woman" they judge you harsher then they would a Assigned Female at Birth woman.

Most of the time people ignore if a woman is more butch or femme in their attire and appearance if they are cisgender and attractive.

But a slightly unattractive transwoman. If you are not trying to be Femme they try and negate your experiences of being transgender, of feeling like a woman.

Grrr I wont be wearing dressing soon Mom.

My Vagrant Heart... My Vagrant Story

My heart is a Vagrant it seems.

I have a lot of trouble keeping it in one place. I have even more trouble keeping it from latching on to others.
I love everyone. I'll say it that way I guess. It is hard for me not too. I see way too much beauty in the world to bother with thinking people I've never met are worthless. It takes a lot of heartache on my side to get emotionally detached from someone, and usually deals with them hurting me in some way.

I think that is why its so easy for me to fall in love, and so hard for me to stay. I'll probably never find someone my heart could stay with for a long amount of time. Though I keep looking, because that is what I want.

I want someone to love, someone to care for, someone to grow old with and die happy with. I want to cry with them, laugh, smile, cuddle, love with them. I guess everything any normal human would want. But I still have trouble. I'm shy, I'm too afraid I scare people, that they'll only see me at my genitals and not for who I am inside. They'll see the hormone ravaged sack of flesh that is my body and disapprove.

But back to my heart and its vagrancy. It seems like every week it finds someone new to pine after, someone new that sparks it to life and makes it beat with a renewed vigor. And every time it simply ends up disappointed, the other being already in a relationship, enjoying being single, only looking for sex, or some other speil that would prevent me from getting the things I need out of any type of relationship.

I'm also having people who I used to love try and regain a bit of a place in my life and I appreciate most of them, though others I'd rather not talk to. My heart craves the touch of those few friends I've really missed the last 7 to 10 years too.

I guess I'll end on this.
Love You.

Moving Right Along

Wednesday, I had my second endocrinologist appointment down in gainesville. I had started seeing her a month ago when I was at 8 Months of Self Medicating. I'm now at rolling up on 10 months. She Informed me that all my bloodwork came back clean and that everything about it was in positive good ranges and levels. But my sex hormone panels had not been returned yet.

I had to wait a few days for them to come in they said, Well they came in today, less then 24 hours after my appointment. My Endo called and informed me that I have been found to have Normal Female Ranges for my hormone Panel. And was given the go ahead to continue treatment as she prescribed.

I was also given another bit of good news. She will happily write and sign a letter stating that I was her patient, and that after treatment and study I should be considered legally Female.

This is such great news. It means that I will be able to get my gender marker change, as well as my name change. With those done, I can start calming down and living my life like a normal human being again.

I am so excited.

Congrats Mass. Boo Anchorage.

The state of Massachusetts signed a Transgender Equal Rights Law into effect today. I am so proud of my sisters and brothers up north getting this awesome piece of legislation signed. A lot of other states may soon follow.

http://boston.com/community/blogs/on_liberty/2012/01/celebrating_fair_play_and_equa.html?rss_id=Most+Popular


Sadly those of you in Anchorage will not be getting equal rights, as the equality and discrimination bill that was up for vote there was shot down. I blame the TV ads that depicted a trans woman as a big burly man with a full beard wearing a dress. I feel sorry for you guys, but I wish you luck in the future.