The worst week I've had in a long while.

Let me just say that I've been on this path for 11 months as of yesterday. And I haven't felt as depressed as I did yesterday. It wasn't the news about my move being canceled that upset me either.

Monday, a guy I knew from my highschool days died in a motorcycle accident. It was kinda hit me pretty hard. I had worried all day about the accident when I heard about it, for some reason I felt like it would end up being someone I knew, When I found out it was indeed a close friend of my brothers and an acquaintance of mine, I started crying. This hit pretty hard.

Tuesday was our City Council meeting in town to discuss an addition to our City's Anti-Discrimination laws. This would add Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation to it. The vote isn't until mid June, but we had a chance to speak. After reading a lot of the "How to make sure you can get into the meeting, how to make sure you can speak." information I basically was informed that I couldn't even enter the meeting because I technically live outside of the city (I live in an unincorporated area just on the outskirts of the major city.) So I couldn't even get in the building if I wanted for that night. Even though I work inside the city.

And then Yesterday.

Yesterday was the worst. I found out about my move getting canceled, and to be honest it wasn't that big of a deal at first. I was disappointed yes, but not to the point of being upset. So I went through the day in a bit of a haze, worked as fast as I could on my tickets, and got as much work as I could done at work. I got paid so I decided I'd buy some new clothes. I need new clothes as I've been wearing the same 4x mens shirts for the last year when I can now fit into some 1x shirts but 2x area little more comfortable for my chest.

I called another trans friend of mine and she agreed to go with me shopping. I picked her up. We laughed that we both were craving the same thing for dinner. So we head to popeyes. I should have just gone through the drive through, but dumb ass little me, I park and we go inside.

Me and my friend are talking about the story I'm writing, I'm explaining what red hair means in the context of my little universe I'm sculpting, She has red hair so it was kinda interesting of a conversation.

We get up to the counter to order and the lady behind the counter misgenders me, pretty directly, and rather loudly. I looked down at my chest. I'm proud to say I'm a 42C. I reach up and readjust my hair. Nope its still there, my hairs real, I dont wear a wig, and I have a rather feminine cut Its not super feminine but its definitely not masculine. My voice isn't very deep. On average I get gendered as a dyke, or lesbian woman. I ordered my food and looked at my friend.

 She had to recently cut her hair short for personal reasons, I think its gorgeous. It is bright firey red, and even short she looks like a cute little femmey dyke as well. She doesn't really have breasts though, but shes super skinny. I love her to death, shes the girl who saved my life. The lady behind the counter looks at her and misgenders her as well. I got so mad. I grit my teeth I bear it. The lady is just blind, tired, what ever.

I should have corrected her. I should have. I know I should have, but the look my friend gave me told me she wanted me to just let it go. So I let it go, I let it slide.

We go and sit down, she asks me to calm down, tells me it is ok, it happens. I don't need to worry. I haven't been that blatantly misgendered in over 3 months. I thought I was doing good, and this lady just ruined my entire day.

Little did I know it was going to get worst.

We sit down, we get our food. We're enjoying our food, and this lady who is the dinning room busy body, cleaning up everything as people leave, comes over. Shes intentionally standing over us while she whips down the bin behind our table.

"How are you Gentlemen today!"

Gentlemen.

I wasn't feeling very gentle, I wasn't a man. My friend is close to just kicking me under the table as I whisper under my breath that I'm having a horrible day. The lady tries to be sympathetic saying it'll get better, she doesn't understand that she just contributed to my own rotten day.

My friend grasps my arm when we're back in my car and tells me its ok, tells me to calm down. tells me it happens, I just have to relax and not let it get to me. But I am so close to tears. So close to breaking down.


We go to a clearance store, the last time I was there they had a decent section of clothing I could fit into. We go to that section and most of its been picked clean. We can't find anything that'll fit me, so we look for some stuff that'll fit my friend. We find a cute pair of pants, tank, and some undies for her. I eventually find a pair of pants and some bras I could fit into.

I head towards the fitting rooms. The fitting room area is in shambles but there is an empty stall so I slip into it and close the door. I try on the pants, they fit but not in a way I would enjoy. Yay I can wear 18's down from my 20-22's. And I can fit into a 42c, down from a 44b, my weight loss is coming along nicely.

While I'm putting the clothes back on the hangers, Fully realizing I'm not going to be buying anything today. I hear one of the other ladies in the changing room come out of her stall and talking with an attendant. I had walked by her while she tried on jeans in front of the standing mirrors. These were all single stall, unmarked fitting rooms, there are no signs for gender, it just says "Fitting Rooms" It just happened these were closer to the women's section, but I had shopped in the women's section, and I had gone into the stall with women's pants and bras in my hand. But I hear the lady say.

"I couldn't believe it some man just came into the women's fitting room, walked right past me. Are there not men's fitting rooms?" I figure, maybe another guy came through? maybe? doubtful.

I get dressed, realign all my clothes, make sure my everything in order, I feel tears going down my cheeks. I stick my chest out, I hold the bras out with one hand, the pants out with the other and I exit my stall with what little Pride I have left. I drop the clothes on their hangers onto the "I don't want these anymore" rack and walk out with the lady glaring at me, I just ignore her. I find my friend and we go to pay for her stuff. She gets nervous and hands me her stuff and asks me to pay for it. I take her bills and the clothes she wants and I purchase them for her with my chin up and my tits out still.

We get in the car and my friend puts her hand on my arm again, tells me to calm down, tells me to relax, Everything will be ok.

I drop her off at home. I meet her mom for the first time. I hug my friend as tight as I can, and I drive home. I get home and watch Dr who. I try and write, but I'm so stressed out, I don't get much done.

I go to be a little early and I cry myself to sleep.

I've been transitioning for a year now. I'm extremely happy with my results, but even though I'm happy I still get misgendered,  a lot. And it is the worst experience in the world.

My rough draft for Council Bill 2012-296

Hello,

My name is Maxine [Redacted], I was born [Redacted]. And I am a Gender Non-Conforming member of the Jacksonville Community. I was diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and Transexualism, and sadly I'm a member of a statistic that says an estimated 40% of people afflicted with this condition will attempt Suicide rather then face the Discrimination of their community. A year ago I put a rifle in my mouth because I no longer could handle the anger and hatred that Dysphoria filled my mind with. Or the idea of facing the discrimination others have faced in our city.

I am only here today because a loved one interupted me and another managed to find me help. I started taking hormones 11 months ago. I have since been classified as Biochemically female by my doctor. And I'm happy. The suicidal thoughts, the anger, the rage they are gone. But the Discrimination is not.

I'm standing in front of you now wearing my mask, The male attire I wear to work due to being afraid of losing my job if I showed up how I felt inside. Because of the awkward glances my coworkers would give me. Sadly this mask will eventually no longer work. My appearance has changed so much in the last year. My body shape no longer even remotely resembles a male body. The effect is I now look like a girl wearing her boyfriends clothes out in public. I'm no longer male. 


But because of discrimination I hide as much of my Gender as I can still. 

Some will say Gender Identity anti-discrimination is about basic human rights - The right to a job, a place to live, and fair treatment in public spaces.  I agree with that. But in reality, it is about having the right to just to feel safe in our community. Without fear of losing our job, our home, or to be turned away from a public area because we fail to Conform. 


I'm transgender and I'm happy that I can say that, but I do not feel safe. 

Please pass Council Bill 2012-296

Thank you. 

Against Me! makes me cry...

So with the recent uproar about how the lead singer of Against Me! (I will be refering to them as her and Laura if I need to.) came out as trans*. The attention this punk rocker was getting from her confession made me consider listening to some of the old Against Me!'s discography.


I was pointed to a few songs to listen to first. 

Listening to the lyrics, and the anger in the singers voice as they try and tell a story, it is easy to pick out the signs Laura left for her audience. Those that really embraced those lyrics and understood them most assuredly snapped to attention as soon as they heard the news. Those signs are so obvious sitting there now that its hard to not see where they were coming from. 

 “If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman/My mother once told me she would have named me Laura/I’d grow up to be strong and beautiful like her.”

There is a lot of regret in the sound of the singers voice when those words are given out. It becomes obvious to me that they came from a place of a a lot of pain and possibly regret. 

When those words first hit me. I instantly started to cry. It was my first experiance with this group. I had never really heard of them before. And to be honest I had first brushed the whole situation off as "Oh that is cool." But now that I sit down and listen in repeat the lyrics of these songs. I hear bits and pieces of my own life whispering back. And those whispers make me cry.

So thank you Laura.
Thank you for being strong, and telling us your story.
Thank you for the music you have made that has made other people happy.
Thank you for the music you have made that has me now crying.

Laura, I've never met you. I may never meet you.
But thank you, and I love you.

Max.

The US Legal System Doesn't Care About Us

That is what today has proved.

This week two Transgender People of Color were killed while minding their own business. Each time it was apparent that someone got upset that they were trans and became so angry and emotionally unstable that they attacked and killed the source of their Anger.

Thanks Masculine Hegemony Thanks.

You trained your men that any other "Men" who didn't act like "Men" were no longer "Men" and thus "Expendable."

You trained killers.

Every Trans woman's death and blood, in my eyes, are on the hands of the government who continue to refuse to develop protections for Trans* people.

To make matters worse. The US Justice System has just strong armed Cece, A Trans woman who defended herself with returned violence, into pleading guilty for 2nd Degree Manslaughter. She and her friends were out on their own enjoying their night when they were accosted by a Cis Gender White Male and his friends. When this man started to physically harass Cece and her friends, In the midst of this scuffle that happened a White Cis Gender Woman broke a glass against Cece's face scarring her for life.

Cece did what ANYONE would do when her and her friends well being was in trouble. And defended herself.

When you as a minority of the population are trained that the police wont help you, you try harder to protect yourself when you know help wont be coming.

Cece killed the man who attacked her and her friends. She waited for the police and was arrested for murder.

Cece Was Innocent. She committed Self Defense. Which is not a punishable offense.

Had this gone to trial the jury would have found her innocent of all charges. The problem is the state doesn't like it when it goes to trial. They tend to lose way too often. (See: Casey Anthony). So they strong arm and convince defendants to reach a plea agreement. They knew they wouldn't win against a jury so they convinced Cece that if it went to trial she might lose, if she loses they'll put her away for life or longer. To get out of it all she has to do is say she did SOMETHING wrong and they'll drop the higher charge.

When faced with that information a majority of people would take the deal.

But what this really says is that the US Legal System doesn't care about us.

Those of you who are Trans* and Gender-Non Conforming like me. Learn this lesson.

The Police, US DA's, The Government. They DO NOT CARE about us. They could care less if we all got killed. They WANT US in their jails. They WANT to have us stuck in General Population with people of the sex we do not identify with. They want us raped, they want us Docile, they want us gone.

We are a BLIGHT to them. We will never be anything more then an Inconvenience.

The only way to fix this is to get rid of the Hegemony Trained Men who run this government.

This has nothing to do with Feminism, it has everything to do with survival. VOTE.

If you don't vote you are just hurting yourself. If you have to go and ask every candidate who is running for office over you. Ask them! "Will you protect me from those who hate me." If they say no. If they say you have no right to equal protections under the law. If they say it is not a hate crime to kill a trans* person. Then vote against them. If none of your candidates care about you, then Run yourself!

We have to get these people who do not care about us OUT OF POWER. And Elect people who will protect us.

That is the only way we'll ever be safe.